The money question:
When you say yes to something you don’t want to do,
what are you saying no to that you do want to do?
This is the reality of embracing when and how to say no. As a working mom with a crazy ambitious professional drive, I spent a good portion of my marriage being a “yes man” to everyone but my family. As they say, hindsight is 20/20 and I realize now that I let my ego get the better of me and pridefully thought I could do it all and have it all. I felt pressure to say yes to every inquiry, even if I knew my heart wasn’t in it or it wasn’t a great fit. Every time I said yes to one more project, I said no to my children. No to my husband. Every time I committed time to something new, I was taking time from something else. Simply put, there are only so many hours in the day. Learning to embrace when and how to say no can help you identify projects that are a best fit for you AND your family, not you OR your family.
When should you say no?
1. Identify what you want to say YES to. Deliberately setting your intentions for your life gives you a frame of reference when a new project presents itself. Measure the new project against your standard of living and ask yourself if it adds to that vision or detracts from it. Will you need to sacrifice time and attention to those items you know you want to say yes to? If the answer is yes, and there is not an overwhelming reason why that sacrifice is worth it, then it’s time to say no.
2. Go with your gut. If a new project gives you a throat punch and anxiety instead of excitement and gratitude, it may be time to say no. Even when your brain is pushing you to say yes, your heart knows when you’re taking a misstep. Remember, saying yes to one thing means saying no to something else. There’s nothing gained by saying yes to something you heart just isn’t in and then find yourself forced to say no to something that really excited you.
3. Measure up with accountability. Create a set of credentials that each new project is stacked against. A short list of questions and requirements that you commit to sticking with each and every time a new project comes to the table. Share this list with an accountability partner if you don’t trust yourself to abide by it and let them encourage you to embrace when it’s time to take a pass.
How should you say no?
1. Clearly and with confidence. Many people end up saying yes to projects purely out of fear. Somehow, we’ve convinced ourselves that saying no is confrontational and argumentative. That’s simply not true! You don’t owe the entire planet a yes. If a new project hasn’t stacked up against your accountability credentials, your gut or your life intention, you say no! With clarity and confidence. You’re not doing anything wrong. Don’t tap dance!
2. Gratitude and humility go a long way. It’s easy to take it personally when someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do and you feel like they should know that they shouldn’t have asked you. You know what I mean! When someone asks you to discount your product or to put in more hours of work than you can handle…Hey! Don’t you know I’m busy here? Don’t you know I’m working hard and hate being away from my family? Isn’t it obvious?! The answer really is no. They don’t. When a new project comes to your table, it comes with one thing in mind. Itself. Don’t waste time trying to educate people as to the WHY behind your no. They won’t hear it. Instead, extend gratitude and humility with a soft, gracious no.
“Thank you so much for the kind offer! I’d love to have the opportunity to work with you, but my plate is just too full to take on a new project. You deserve my full attention, and I just can’t give that right now! I hope you’ll understand and keep me in mind for future opportunities. I’d love to reconnect in the future when things have settled down a bit!”
You just said no AND made them feel like a million bucks, even in the face of disappointment.
3. Be honest. Back to that fear thing. We’re afraid that people will make judgements if we say no to something. We should have a much greater fear…We should be terrified of their judgement when they see what we produce when our heart isn’t in it. I’ll use my photography as an example. I learned the hard way when and how to say no in my first two years of business. I said yes to everything – weddings, maternity, newborn, event – anything I could get my hands on. The result? Instant burnout and the quality of my work declined. If a prospect is not a good fit with your vision of the ideal client, consider gently saying no. Saying yes to poor fits sucked my creativity, my motivation and my talent right out of me. Saying yes to my ideal client inspired me, challenged me and produced powerful work that had a huge emotional impact on my client. Be honest.
“I’m so grateful that you inquired about my services! You are fabulous and I wish we had the opportunity to work together, but I’m confident that a better fit is out there for you. This is just a bit off from my area of expertise, so I’m going to send you in love to an industry peer that has a real heart for what you’re trying to accomplish. Tell them I sent you and they’ll be sure to take great care of you!”
You just said no AND showed value, love and interest in what’s important and best for your prospect.
FAMILY FIRST. A successful business isn’t worth much if it takes you away from your family. A successful business is one that challenges you, inspires you and pushes you to aim higher and accomplish great things WITH the love and support of your family. If any part of your business succeeds at the expense of your family, you’re probably saying “yes” a lot more than you should. Embrace the “no” and cling to the quality of life that you and your family deserve. When those areas of your life get the attention they deserve, I promise you that you’ll find yourself refreshed and more motivated to grow your business than you could have ever imagined, because you’re doing it in love, not in obligation.
How to Avoid the Epic Meltdown: Understanding Your Child’s Cues
Duh, duh, duh….the dreaded meltdown. With one kid, this can bring the strongest mommy to her knees. With multiples, well…the word “epic” takes on a completely new meaning. In the worst possible way.
Moral of the story? A little organization and forethought can go a long way. Considering WHY my kids were throwing tantrums and then exploring what I could do to prevent them before they started has saved me a million tears. Like I said, it’s not a perfect system. But every little bit helps.
How to Speak the Right Language: Understanding Your Child’s Cues
Every day I pick up my children from day care to hear “They are such great kids! They had a blast today and are some of the best listeners we’ve ever had. They’re so well-behaved!” Yay, Mama win! And then we go home and they act like total demon-infested, hell-raising psychos and won’t listen to a word I say. Weekends can be brutal and I sometimes find myself praising Jesus that I decided to keep working and not stay-at-home.
sweet kids from day care?
Best Thing I Ever Did: I went to pick the kids up one day and they were enjoying themselves, so I decided to just sit and watch for a bit and let them play. Funny thing happened. I started listening to how the day care teachers communicated with my children and how they responded. And the light bulb went off. I don’t know how to speak the language my kids understand.
I started listening harder. And then I came back the next day and did it again. Now, every time I drop off or pick up, I listen. How are they talking to my kids? What are they saying? How are the kids responding? And then I mimick it at home.
Major win!!! My kids are starting to see an extension of their daily routine back into the home and it’s making sense. I say certain words they’re used to hearing and like magic, they listen. Not every time (which I suspect also happens at day care), but the majority of time. Major improvement. We are starting to speak the same language.
Sometimes I forget (or refuse to admit) that I am not my children’s primary care provider. For those of us that work outside the home, most often our kids spend the majority of their time somewhere other than with us. Sometimes, being reminded of that hurts. A lot. But truth is, they develop routines, cues and references that we’re not familiar with. We need to learn the language they are used to hearing every day so that we can communicate our needs in a way they understand. I need to speak my children’s language.
Phrase Adjustments that Worked for Me:
- “Walk away please” instead of “No!” or “Don’t Touch!”
- “Are you using your listening ears?” instead of “Listen to me!”
- “I’m going to go to work for awhile, but Mommies always come back!” instead of “Say bye to Mommy. I have to go to work.”
11 Alternatives to Self Harm: Emily Speaks
If you’re just connecting with the Emily Speaks series, be sure to check out her first post, Cyber Bullying and Self-Harm, to catch up. Today, Emily will be sharing 11 alternatives to self harm to help those hurting to make healthier choices to cope with emotional struggles.
I know it can be hard not to self-harm if you’re being bullied, but you need to try to think of other ways to deal with the pain. Cutting leaves angry scars on your body. You should try to deal with your hurt in other ways. Here are 11 good examples that will hopefully help you out a little bit.
1. Try talking to somebody about what’s going on so that you can get it out of your system.
2. Go outside where nobody is around and just scream as loud as you can for as long as you want.
3. Take a rubber band and keep it on your wrist so whenever you feel like cutting you can just take that rubber band and snap it on your wrist (softly – not to where it harms you).
4. Get an old teddy bear or stuffed animal that you don’t want and take your anger out on that.
5. Go on a jog or go out and ride your bike or long board or whatever you have and just ride around to calm yourself down.
6. Go hang out with your friend(s) and get your mind off things that would make you want to cut or do anything else to harm yourself.
7. Sleep it out and take a long nap and see how you’re feeling when you wake up.
8. Go hang out with your family and just relax.
9. Listen to some music.
10. Read a book.
11. Get an art journal and draw out your feelings. You can paint, draw pictures, even just scribble hard.
These are some of the ways that I stop myself from cutting, because I do still think about it when things get rough. When that happens, I try to do these instead and it helps. It does! You need to do anything that would take your mind off of any bad thoughts you are having and make you want to hurt yourself. This might not be the best list of ideas, but if you take a chance and try them out, they might end up working for you. You’re not only helping yourself, but you’re helping everyone else around you by making a better choice to not self-harm.